Let’s start with defining what the word shame means. Merriam-Webster defines the word shame as:
A) a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety.
B) the susceptibility to such emotion.
It’s that feeling that there is something wrong with me. This can be associated with areas such as: cognitive, financial, emotional, physical, relational, and so many others.
The Root of Shame: How Childhood Experiences Shape Us
Shame can start in early childhood and move its way into our adult lives. No one is immune to shame. Some people experience a much deeper and darker feeling than others. Sometimes our mind makes us feel like we should have been “better,” and we start spiraling down about feeling the shame. Shame isn’t always something we can define. So, figuring out what the underlying emotions we are experiencing can help us move forward and feel better.
Research suggests that shame is almost always rooted from a childhood experience of humiliation or guilt.
Examples of childhood experiences can include
- What’s wrong with you?
- The girls on the playground point and stare at me.
- My mom says I need to watch what I eat so I’m not fat like Aunt Delores.
- I didn’t have the answer when the teacher asked, so I must be stupid since everyone is laughing at me.
the impact of shame
These statements make us question ourselves over time, especially when we hear them repeatedly. This causes negative beliefs about us, our thoughts, that can move into adulthood and alter our thought processes. After a while, these thoughts become our coping mechanisms. This becomes intrusive thinking or negative self-talk. These words over time has long lasting effects of how we respond to others! Examples of these talks within us are:
- I’m useless.
- I will never be anything.
- I don’t deserve anything.
- I don’t matter.
Now is the time to start examining how shame is affecting what you believe about yourself. As we know, shame, impacts our lives and causes negative beliefs. If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, shame can be a long-term effect which can affect YOU in future relationships. We learn ways to cope or behave which isn’t healthy way to form relationships.
how to identify and fact check your shame
We can start by identifying our shame out on paper. Sometimes it’s easier to look at things on paper than it is in our minds. Write down those thoughts, that way you have a better understanding of what’s on the list. Then take the time to fact check it. So, what does that mean exactly? Look at the statement and determine what the facts are, can the statement be backed up or not?
For example, I am useless. Write down examples of facts. How about work, are you useless at work? How about your treatment towards others? Do you get up each day and do what needs to be done? Doesn’t sound useless to me!
Change that narrative and over time, you will learn to change those shame thoughts to create a new way of thinking. The main thing is to remember is “It’s okay to not be okay.” Everyone feels this way from time to time, so recognize it, work on it, and change your outlook about yourself! Reach out to your therapist and talk about the shame, those feelings, and you will create a new you over time!
Meet The Author
LEE ANN WEILER
MAC, LPC, CCTP, EAT (Q)
Meet The Author
Lee Ann is a Clinical Therapist at Sea Glass Mental Health. She works with teens, adults, and couples. Lee Ann specializes in PTSD, trauma, and women’s issues.
