“I’m setting a firm boundary with them.”
“They completely crossed my boundary!”
“You need better boundaries…”
If we take a moment to listen to conversations around us, at some point we’re bound to
overhear discussions about not only the importance of setting boundaries, but how complex it can be to do so. The aim of this blog is to discuss different types of boundaries as well as
explore some helpful tips and tricks for setting (or reinforcing) boundaries of your own!
First, let’s begin with something that I like to refer to as the texture of boundaries.
what are the textures of boundaries?
If we picture our boundaries as a circle we draw, we have 3 options for what that circle can look like.
Rigid boundary
We can draw a full circle– a bold, solid line that nothing can cross over.
Porous boundary
We can neglect to draw a circle at all, allowing anything to come and go over the space where we may want or need to have a circle.
The Middle Ground
We can draw a circle that looks like a dashed line, some solid areas and some open spaces for things to pass through.
While some people may identify solely with one type of boundary, most of us experience different types of boundaries in different areas of our lives. For example, someone may have a rigid boundary in their romantic relationship about the type of language used with one another during arguments, but perhaps they have a porous boundary relating to their work life balance.
why does your boundary texture matter?
It’s important to be aware of not only the different textures of boundaries, but what some potential downsides are for the various types. For example, someone with only porous boundaries may feel unable to say no or advocate for their own wants or needs. On the other side, someone with only rigid boundaries may find difficulty in interpersonal relationships and feel like everyone in their life is kept at a distance. Finding the middle ground requires us to look at some examples of different types of boundaries we can set.
Some examples of those types include:
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries refer to any emotional energy we’re expending and the way we manage the emotions of ourselves and others.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries include anything that involves your personal space and physical needs.
Material Boundaries
Material boundaries may look like setting specific limits on giving or lending personal property or financial resources.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries involve navigating the ways in which you are spending your time and energy.
Exploring what type of boundary you may need to set opens the door for the decision of which texture feels most comfortable to you and best meets your needs.
And that leads to arguably the most complicated part: setting the boundary!
how to set boundaries
A key principle to remember while setting boundaries is the fact that we can only control our behavior. This can feel tricky with boundaries sometimes. How do you stop people from crossing your boundaries if you can’t make them respect the line you’ve drawn? Often times, I find this formula can be helpful:
If (undesired/uncomfortable action of others) then I will (action you can take).
For example, if my sister never returns the shirt she borrowed, I may set a material boundary where I no longer allow her to borrow my shirt.
While this example is more straightforward than the complexities we often run into setting healthy boundaries for ourselves, I want to invite you to explore what types of boundaries may be helpful to you, what texture feels right for those boundaries, and what action you feel comfortable taking.
Meet The Author
MAEYSON NOVELO
MS, LAC
Meet The Author
Maeyson is a Clinical Therapist at Sea Glass Mental Health. She works with adults, teens, and couples and specializes in anxiety, depression, stress, trauma, life changes, and coping skills.
