John Gottman, relationship expert known for his work about predicting factors for divorce and marital satisfaction, asserts that it is not the amount of arguments that determine if a relationship will be strong and successful, but how couples argue (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
The Four common communication patterns, according to john gottman, that could be hurting your relationship:
criticism
Criticisms are harmful communication patterns that, when used frequently over time, can pave the way for additional hurt. It’s important to note that criticism does not mean complaint.
A complaint, according to Gottman, has three parts: Stating how the individual feels (1) about a specific situation (2) that includes communication about what they need or prefer (3).
On the other hand, a criticism communicates a negative belief about the other person’s personality or character. A complaint may look like “I’m frustrated you didn’t take the trash out last night like we talked about. Could you please take it out now?”, while a criticism may look like “you always forget everything I ask you to do!”
Contempt
Contempt may show up in conversations through behaviors like name-calling, mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or cynicism. According to Gottman and Silver (2015), this communication pattern is detrimental because it communicates disgust to your partner– ultimately leading to more conflict.
Defensiveness
If one partner seems to be on offense (attacking and aggressing in an argument) it makes sense that the other might flare up their defenses. However, Gottman asserts that defensiveness in any form contributes negatively to the continuation of arguments by escalating the conflict.
Stonewalling
The fourth and final communication pattern Gottman and Silver (2015) caution couples to look out for is stonewalling. In other words, shutting down and shutting out the other person. Gottman shares that stonewalling is something that often occurs later in a relationship, resulting from feelings of overwhelm and the other three communication patterns running rampant over time.
Although it’s important for couples to be on the lookout for these four communication patterns and the harm they can cause–the occasional presence of one or more of these is not an indicator that your relationSHIP is sinking. In fact, even if these patterns have completely overtaken your communication, there is hope for healing and change. Successful repair attempts, building intimacy, and the use of self-soothing are all factors that can help protect you and your partner from the negative effects of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
To learn more about these four communication patterns or their antidotes, feel free to explore the below cited book and/or book an appointment.
References: Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
Meet The Author
MAEYSON NOVELO
MS, LAC
Meet The Author
Maeyson is a Clinical Therapist at Sea Glass Mental Health. She works with adults, teens, and couples and specializes in anxiety, depression, stress, trauma, life changes, and coping skills.
