If you’re familiar with TikTok trends, you may have seen the “orange peel theory”. Essentially, to test this theory, one partner would ask the other to bring them an orange. The idea was that, if they did bring the orange when asked, this would indicate a healthy relationship wherein partners were happy to complete small acts of kindness to show love to the other. If they didn’t, uh-oh! Wave the red flag!
This idea plays into a major finding from John Gottman that he named bids for connection. Through his research, Gottman found that couples that did not accept the majority of one another’s bids were far more likely to divorce or separate than those that accepted each other’s bids. So, what exactly counts as a bid? More than just oranges!
What are Bids for connection?
Bids for connection can include:
- A bid for physical connection, like a hug or an outstretched hand.
- A bid for non-verbal connection, like sharing a knowing smile across the dinner table
- Simple requests, like the one demonstrated in the orange peel theory
- Direct questions
Bids can be something as big as needing support/engagement from your partner during a discussion about how you feel like you totally bombed that work presentation, or something as seemingly small as pointing out a pretty bird outside of the window and inviting them to look at it with you. The important part of bids are not how often you’re making them- but instead lies in how you or your partner are responding to them.
3 types of Bid Responses and why they're important
Gottman identified 3 types of responses to bids:
Turning Toward
As the ideal response, turning toward involves actively engaging with and acknowledging the bid for connection. For example, this may look like actively listening to a story your partner is eager to share.
Turning Away
Turning away may look like ignoring or failing to acknowledge the bid for connection. While this may not be intentional, after all- we all get wrapped up in our own minds at times, repeatedly turning away can lead to your partner feeling isolated and alone.
Turning Against
Turning against is a harsher response than turning away as it involves dismissing or criticizing the other partner’s need. This type of response can lead to conflict, isolation, loneliness, and emotional disconnection.
Some bids are easily missed, so don’t panic if you’re remembering missed moments of connection. As previously stated, we all get wrapped up in our own minds at times. However, Gottman found that generally, happy couples ignored less than 20% of their partner’s bids. So while life gets stressful and at times can feel all-consuming, finding the small amount of time it takes to return a bid can have a strong positive impact on your relationship and feelings of connectedness.
For more tips about how to increase connectivity in your relationship, feel free to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me!
Meet The Author
MAEYSON NOVELO
MS, LAC
Meet The Author
Maeyson is a Clinical Therapist at Sea Glass Mental Health. She works with adults, teens, and couples and specializes in anxiety, depression, stress, trauma, life changes, and coping skills.
